Garrison - 16
I
don’t know if I ever imagined what it would be like to have a “16” year old son
but if I did - this wasn’t it. Whatever
you imagine, it rarely matches the actual experience.
I
am in the midst of a whirlwind of teenage angst, obsession, apathy, strong will, and rebellion.
And
I am watching him navigate through it all toward his own personal adulthood. He is learning-about himself, about life.
And
I am learning too. I am learning A LOT
about life, myself, and, even my past through him.
As we journey through (and I do mean WE) this adolescent
stage of life I have never leaned on Christ more for guidance and patience and
peace. But I understand more clearly
what unconditional love for a child means from a parent. I am beginning to grasp the true unconditional
love the Heavenly Father has for us through Christ. And I am learning how to love my children as
Christ loves me.
Your
eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained
for me were written in your book before one of them
came to be. Psalm 139:16
It’s
hard, sometimes. Yes, I love my son all
the time. But at times it takes an effort. I have to try. Sometimes I just I don’t feel it. Teenage boys can be so difficult!
I figured out that a lot of my struggle to
show and feel love comes from fear. Fear
of what he will become. Fear of his
mistakes and fear of the consequence he might face. The ones that I should have
faced, at times, when I was young but was spared. Fear that I am now seeing the fruits of my
labor or lack thereof. The poor first
born child!
The word of the Lord came to me, saying,
Before I formed you in the
womb I knew you,
Jeremiah 1:5
So
I look to the example of God our heavenly Father. Who loves me unconditionally,
despite my angst, obsession, apathy,
strong will and rebellion towards Him. I
look to Him who sees not my mistakes
or sin or bad judgment or adolescent behavior but sees ME. Just me. The one He created and formed and always knew.
And He loves me the same. Always.
Effortlessly.
And He has no fear. He knows me. And He knows my son and what he will become. And He is still
not afraid. All He sees is his
beautiful creation and
He
loves us just for that. And through
leaning on Christ I can push aside the fear and allow that love to really show
and allow myself to really feel it
too. And I am beginning to see my son
for the person he is. The one God
created like no one else. And I can be
free of the fear. Free to just love him.
This child is a gift, a beautiful gift from God. The less I fear, the more I see that.
I don’t know what our future holds. But I don’t have to know. All I have to do is rely on Christ and to love
my son as Christ loves me. That is what
I am called to do.
It’s
hard parenting a teenager. Wow, is it
ever! But I am so grateful for it. I am grateful for the journey, the gift, and
the lessons along the way.
I am so grateful for the son I have and all
that he is-just as he is. He is God’s
creation. Made perfect through Christ. And he is a gift to me.
Happy
16th Birthday Garrison. I LOVE YOU.
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